This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at U Mich chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.
Since before I can remember, I’ve always been busy. Growing up, I danced three days a week, played national-level volleyball, babysat, spent time with friends, and stayed involved in school. In all of these activities, I was constantly surrounded by friends, boyfriends, teammates, and mentors. I guess the truth is, I had never really been alone.
The night before I moved up to school, I was getting advice from my brother. I had so many questions and was lucky to have two older siblings who both went to U Mich. I asked about sorority rush, classes, and navigating dorm life, but my most pressing question was, “What am I supposed to do in between my classes?” My brother laughed and said, “You get food, work out, study, really anything you want. It’s way better than high school because you have so many hours in a day and so much freedom.” To anyone else, this would have sounded like great news. But I like my days to be full of activities and people, and all I heard was boredom.
The night before my first day of classes, I lay in bed thinking, “I only have one class tomorrow. What am I supposed to do with all my time?” I wished I had homework or more classes—anything to keep me busy. Monday came, and I went to my lecture, got lunch with my roommate, and spent the rest of the day getting organized for the week and working out. It felt sad to spend most of my day alone. Even in a lecture hall filled with 300 students, I was still mostly by myself, making small talk with the person next to me. That’s when I realized what I was feeling wasn’t just too much free time. It was loneliness.
At first, my loneliness felt like something I had to fix. I treated it like a problem, assuming that once I made more plans, met more people, or filled my schedule, it would disappear. I started signing up for workout classes every day. I was so worried I wouldn’t have people to be with on the weekend that I reached out to friends on Monday to make plans for Saturday. But, the more time I spent alone, the more I realized that there was nothing wrong: I wasn’t missing anything. I was just spending time with myself for the first time. That was uncomfortable. I had no practice to rush to, no boss expecting me to show up, and no built in structure for my day. For the first time, I had to decide how I wanted to spend my time.
What started as loneliness slowly turned into something else. It was empowering to realize I could be independent without forcing myself to enjoy being alone all the time. I still crave full days and packed schedules, but now, they come from choice, not fear. Independence, for me, wasn’t about doing less. It was about being okay when I did. Once I stopped seeing loneliness as something to escape, I started learning from it. Learning to sit with loneliness taught me lessons I didn’t expect, and they’re the ones I want to share.
- Give it a name
If you’re feeling lonely, say “I’m lonely.” Pretending it’s boredom only makes it harder.
- If you want to be busy, stay busy
If you like full days, don’t give it up. Gaining independence isn’t about slowing down, but about being intentional with what fills your time.
- Try doing something you usually do with a friend, solo
Getting a coffee, going on a walk, and studying in public are small things that can teach you to enjoy your own company.
- Allow yourself to continue to crave connection while being independent
Wanting to be social and with others doesn’t ruin your progress.
Learning how to be lonely taught me that independence isn’t about filling every quiet moment or forcing myself to love being alone. It’s about trusting myself in the quiet moments and knowing I could fill my days, or leave them open, without fear. Independence, I’ve learned, starts there.